Infinite boulevard

The stars and the clouds seem way too closer than they usually are. I went up to the terrace with the intension of sitting by my plants because they were my only refuge. They seemed to  understand when nobody could. Soon after five minutes of pondering on what has happened,  I could not keep my tears from flowing.

I had been mushing all the anger and frustration down into my heavy heart. But I couldn’t anymore. I had to let it out.  Wiping them off of my face, I look up to notice the clouds float by.  I wondered how they were so close to the terrace. The stars too. I could even spot Orion and Canis Major. And then tears stopped flowing. Just about suddenly.

I was so mesmerised and captivated by the stars I forgot all that was going on. With my neck hurting, I took a brick and lay my head on it to have a better view. Words fail to describe the beauty of tonight. The stars aligned like never before and in perfect proportion. Were they always this beautiful or is it just my instinct?

I didn’t need a telescope given the fact they felt almost as if touching my cheek. I could touch the clouds now! I grew envious of the owl. How they get this opportunity everyday to witness the beauty night holds. They must be knowing all the stars by their names. I made peace with the fact that my terrace was the best place to be. With the plants by my side adding their scent to make the ambience all the more enthralling. It seemed nothing less than  perfect.

Nature draws you to facts that you otherwise would not ever explore. Tonight, I fell in love with the stars, the clouds and the flowers. All over again I have away my heart to them. All my exhaustion seemed to be erased. The beauty, the serenity took over me. I was happy. They made me happy. They took away all my pains. They healed me.

The truth is, we like being lied to. We never are strong enough to witness the truth. The pain that follows once we’re exposed to the reality, is unbearable. You can compare it with getting nailed to a cross.

Ever so often, we build this nest that has twigs of lies embedded in it. How we gather all the lies, sum them up together and derive our satisfaction from it. We look forward to living in a delusional world, one where people sugarcoat everything they say just so that it won’t hurt us right in the middle of the chest.

We put on this facade so that we are no more attacked by our vulnerabilities. No matter how hard we strive for the truth, it’s only the lies that do the job. Some of us might as well defend themselves for not living a life full of lies but, let’s face it, Who are we kidding?

Lies are the only source of fulfillment for our desires and wants. And when the ultimate moment of truth arrives, it dismantles the nest of the bittersweet lies we built. Just when we’re contesting hard enough to keep it from falling apart, we become aware of the detrimental effects.

The reason is pretty simple. We hold onto lies only and only because they hurt less, ache less and comfort more, way more than the truths can ever do.

Dan: That’s what I love about music.

Greta: What?

Dan: One of the most banal scenes is suddenly invested with so much meaning! All these banalities – They’re suddenly turned into these… these beautiful, effervescent pearls.

A beautiful metaphor. How it only takes just the perfect music to transform and mould your perception of the the world!

Gretta, you came to this city with Dave hoping to create the same magic that you did back home with your extravagant songs. Dave’s happiness lay with you until he took you along to the label studio just to let go of that hand of yours and step into a world of fame that perhaps didn’t include you.

There was not much you wanted from life. Just love and a little appreciation for the much deserving music you apparently made for your cat.

I couldn’t imagine how it must have wrenched your gut to hear from Dave after so long only to realize that he’s somebody else’s now, that he took away the song that was not only his but yours, that he took that everything that you both ever created.

How hard it must’ve been to take your suitcase in one hand and your bike in another to walk down the streets, alone. You were lucky to have Steve. How much I envy you to have a friend so dear and genuine like him. I shall be forever grateful to him for literally forcing you up on that stage only for Dan to notice you.

He saw what the rest of the world didn’t, and he made sure that world wasn’t blind for long enough until he decided to sign you. With no money in his pockets, he took hold of all those amazing musicians just so that he could put you out there and make people witness the talent you contained.

Of course, with all the short strolls in and around the New York city, using the splitter to take hold of each others’ playlists, Dan and you fell in love. It’s like the damaged souls found a way to each other in the dark.

You made everything right. Fixed his job, family and him as well. Remember how he chose the coke over champagne? It was for you. He would not have changed a tad bit if it wasn’t for you. It was like you both needed each other more than anything at that moment. To fix all that was broken.

You had this grin on your face when Dave called you back after listening to the song you wrote him which asked for him to fuck off. He knew he had no chance with you but still pushed. He saw you grow, and for the first time, didn’t want you to stop from growing.

And then one day, after it all seemed quite settled, you rode your bike to leave everything behind after watching Dave sing ‘Lost Stars’. You knew your job was done and it was time you left this chapter to end.

You also left your love for Dan in the envelope with the splitter that he’d given you.

You did what many can’t. You let go. You knew that it was time, and so you did what your heart asked of you.

New York misses you.

To begin is to initiate the ending of something.
It’s like going for a nice vacation. The way how we anticipate about every little detail, pack the most perfect clothes for each part of all the days we’re going to be away from town. The feeling is indescribable! We take all our time to fix and itinerise the whole trip when finally the night before the big day arrives.

The flight’s early in the morning and we gotta sleep sooner than we usually do. Keep all the snacks and baggages ready to be just lifted by hands once the sun rises.

And then, the big day arrives. We take the flight. And our trip begins. How we spend our first day all jetlagged and in bed having the room service to ourselves. Until we’re up early morning to do what we came for. We go to all these beautiful places and take photographs so we won’t forget them. Have the most awesome delicacies which we perhaps would have missed if we didn’t choose to travel. Learn the language, shop for family and friends, take more pictures, eat more and fill all our hearts’ desire.

The next day brings us a little more closer to the end. And the next, and the next, until you’re all disappointed and melancholic that the trip has indeed come to an end. No sooner does the realisation hit us than we have the car waiting for us at the doorway so that we could leave.

While on the car, sitting by the foggy window due to all the sobbing, we do realize that it’s pretty much the same with life. It’s all very Hunky Dory when you begin to have fun until too much it makes you feel bitter.

Life’s a series of vacations, just like any other, that we never wish to put an end to. But as is and has been, you have to find your way back home.

It’s been 5 years since we’ve parted ways. I fell in love again. Just like old times. Just like how you caused butterflies to tingle me in my tummy the first time we met. I found someone. Someone who I love more than I thought I was capable of. I made a  promised to not love anyone as much I loved you. But just the exact reverse of that is happening to me now!

Are you happy now? To see me put someone else’s photograph in the same picture frame that you gifted me? How does it feel? You wanted me to move on with life and I did eventually. I am even happy with my progress. But are you? Are you really happy watching me say all the things to a random guy that I, perhaps used to say to you and wanted to do the same for as long as was possible?

How does it feel? To be forsaked by the one you love? Is the pain bearable? How much would you rate it on a scale of 1 to 10? A nine? Are you still saving your ten? You wish to be inflicted with more pain?

How did you love me that selflessly? I recall you telling me that I’d find someone, with an absolute certainty of heaven knows what, on your face.

Why did you have to destroy what we had? I could have managed everything myself. I could have loved myself enough for the both of us! Why didn’t you let me? Why did you think that little of me?

All these questions have been suffocating me and all I need are the answers to them. That’s all that’s left to know.

Remember how you wished for everyday to be a lazy Sunday afternoon? All you wanted to do was lay in bed, read Catcher In The Rye, lick peanut butter off the same spoon and laugh at the little humour we created for ourselves.

How life was just about excelling in these things, these petty things. How we didn’t have to worry about anything else in the world but washing the utensils after the day was over.

We failed to realize that there was something outside our 2 BHK apartment. That there is a world outside that’s requires our participation as much as we need the sun to come up in the sky right on time.

And no matter how much I’d not want to let go of the simple luxuries of being with you, there was something we both needed to do apart from laughing at the same jokes.

How comforting it felt to have our legs entangled among themselves, and just lay on the the bed for hours and not have any sense of what time in the day it was. To not have anything but ourselves to worry about was such an exasperating feeling!

But when days went by, we felt this sudden hollowness inside the both the us. We didn’t seem to understand what was going on. Until tonight, you made me hot chocolate and sat across the chair to make me understand the importance of our existence. “There is something that we need to do. We can’t just be here all day, doing nothing but laying in bed. Let’s get out there and win the world over love!”

Fall in love with someone for their inequalities. Everything that they’re not is fulfilled by what you are. Usually when lovers are out of reasons to continue their relationships, they must know for a fact that out of the two, none are completely full. And the reason as to why they fell in love in the first place was because they found something in the other person that they didn’t have. You become so envious of a quality that they have, it makes you want to have it in you and that’s when the fire is ignited.
Love is known to happen in the most unexpected of situations. People tend to give way to their desires for filling up the insufficiencies that they have. But it never really fills. If it did, we wouldn’t want to keep the fire burning. Instead we’d extinguish it.
Keep the fire burning. Keep the love aflame.

“The way you’re singing in your sleep

The way you look before you leap

The strange illusions that you keep

You don’t know

But I’m noticing”

These few lines stood out to me in the entire movie. Remember you told me that I murmur in my sleep? It was 2am and I caught you looking at me just how one wants to be looked at. I, however, found it creepy. Won’t me tell me now what I murmured? Was it about you? Or the job I lost? Or about the beautiful lies you told me? I don’t know. You never told me.
You’d say that you liked watching me sleep. I haven’t found anyone saying anything more comforting than that. My only constant fear, which eventually I gave into, was not finding you beside when I wake up in the morning. Did I tire you? Did you not want to watch me sleep anymore? What are those strange illusions going on in that head of yours? Why wouldn’t you ever tell?
I took notice of the little things that you did before I’d wake up. How you’d make the tea and pour it in the kettle. How you’d fold the bedsheets and put them right in place before you left. I was aware,  even when I lay in bed. How you’d put on your favour cologne. I’d always get intimidated by that.
Why did you leave that morning and not return? Did you forget your way back home? Didn’t you have the address? Why didn’t you make tea before I woke up? Why didn’t you fold the bedsheets and put them right in place? Why couldn’t I smell your scent anymore? Are you gone?